I have been avoiding this post like the plague because I simply do not want to write about myself. I'm not sure why I promised a 4-part series instead of a 2-part series when I started this blog! It reminds me of my senior year in high school when my government teacher, already retired in spirit if not in body, made me write my own letter of recommendation for my college applications (which he then signed). I couldn't do it - my friends did it for me.
Although this is certainly no letter of recommendation, it may resemble one in the fact that it won't be the complete picture of who I am. My failings are many; the list is much too long and I don't care to air it all out here. Keep that in mind as you read on, and pray for me.
These days I am fully entrenched in Mommy Mode. I knew I would love being a mother - knew I was made to nurture children - but I just didn't know how deeply I would become Mama until I did. I am thankful, thankful, thankful to spend my days with my children.
It is really, really hard.
I am doing my best to be a good wife and to love my husband. I really, really love him.
I miss my family and friends back in Santa Barbara and I am thankful for and enjoying my family and friends here in Nashville.
In some ways I am still mourning the loss of our baby back in February. October 14 would have been our due date; when that day came and went without a squirming, squealing bundle in my arms I shed a few more tears to add to the thousands (millions?) I've cried in the last 8 months. I am learning about loss and doubt and faith and suffering and the inexplicable grace of God through it all.
And I am learning about hope, as we anticipate with great joy the birth of a new little one. I am 10 weeks pregnant and grateful. I am tired. I am fearful, and trying not to be. I am excited. I can't wait for my sweet girlies to be big sisters. They are already brainstorming names. Aside from "Baby Simon", I can't even imagine how to spell the ones they've come up with so far. We are looking forward to meeting this baby in faith and in hope.
I am sewing (or, was sewing, before 1st trimester exhaustion hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks) quilts for my little girls. They have been in the works for quite some time. A true labor of love. I am learning to ease up on my expectations of myself, let go of a bit of my perfectionism, and stop stressing about self-imposed deadlines. But I really do hope they are done before the next baby arrives. :)
I am grateful for this life God has given me. And I pray that I can faithfully grow into the person He has called me to be.
11 comments:
Thank you for being a friend to me. I know it can't be easy sometimes (or most of the time?) but I am very thankful for the relationship we have. Love you!!
You are an amazing Mama!! Love and prayers as your journey continues!!
I can barely read these posts or see clearly the pictures; there is some visual disfunction, a floating of my contacts. Could it be...? Nahh
Brugh and I must have the same eye dysfunction....
Of course, I am crying right now. That seems to be what I do.
You are such a beautiful woman, wife, and especially mother-a woman of God who exudes mercy and love. And you are my "little girl". I have adored you since the minute I knew I was expecting you (even in tough times: being so poor, Catherine just out of the hospital ate age 1, etc.) And when I thought I might lose you when I went into premature labor, I was afraid I would not survive if that happened. You would not have made it at 24 weeks back then-we had no NICU. I cannot even imagine how you felt after losing your little one last year. I tear up as I think of meeting that grandbaby in heaven some day. And I am filled with hopeful joy and anticipation as we wait for your newest arrival!
I am so sorry for all the times I let you down as a mother, Amanda. But I am so grateful and proud of what you have become. You make my heart sing-
Mama
Ah, sweet Amanda! Congratulations, dear one!!! God bless your growing family. We love you.
Amanda, I am so excited for you and your family. I couldn't help but cry a little reading this. I am sure Oct.14 was a very difficult day, and may I again express my gratitude to you for your gentle kindness to me. It has meant so much. Congratulations Amanda.
Yay! Congrats to you and your family! Can't wait to see the quilts - I bet they will be gorgeous. And meet the new little one, of course! Love you!
My heart is very full also. I consider it such a rare privilege to know you much less have the honor of having you for a daughter-in-law. Thank you, thank you for all the beauty and joy that you share so graciously.
Congratulations, Amanda and Elijah! I enjoy this blog so much, Amanda. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and girls with us. Love, Jill
love your blog - love to you all along with a very healthy pregnancy :) Love you mama Lu
Gah, you got me too, cousin!! I've always looked up to you so much, and you were always the "big sister" I never had growing up. Now, even being so far away from you, I think of you often and hope that when the time comes, I'll be a strong Christian wife and mother the way that you are. You inspire me! You've lived what are some of my greatest hopes and deepest fears for myself, and through it all have grown into a more beautiful being in the image of God, while raising your own little likenesses at the same time. I will certainly be praying for you all, and asking God's richest blessings and mercies upon you. I love you!!!
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